A great fear (#131)

Day highlights:

  • Came back from Chicago (small scare on the ride back).
  • Took a fat nap with JB (it felt so good to sleep haha).
  • Played badminton (my body, especially my legs, felt great).
  • Mental breakdown, but JB helped me get out of it.

Thought of the day:

About 2.5 hours ago, on my way home, I was having a complete mental breakdown.

I was thinking about how I simply did not know what I wanted to do with anything.

In regards to fitness, badminton, career and work mostly.

I noticed that in my darker times, my self-talk is pretty negative and I find it difficult to get out of it.

Indeed, even if I know that, mentally, the best thing to do is thing positively and try to uplift myself, some part of me still tries to stay in this loathing of darkness.

However, I think God must have spoken to JB because she suddenly decided to call me to check up on me and see how I was doing.

We had a great conversation (thank you very much mi amor) and I now feel a lot better.

One part is that she's absolutely terrific at reassuring me that everything's going to be alright.

The other part is that mentioning my problems out loud makes me realize the actual size of the problems and their severity.

"We suffer more in imagination than in reality" - Seneca.

At the end of the day, it comes down to a fear of not getting what I want out of life and overthinking exactly how to get there.

I realized a lot of things about myself over the years and I've made a lot of progress in terms of self-development.

That fear, though, is something that has been with me since University and continues to be stay with me up until this day.

There's a famous quote out there that says "Everybody has two lives. The first starts when we are born. The other starts when we realize that we only have one life."

And it's suppose to motivate you to chase after what you truly want and yada yada yada.

In my case, it just puts more pressure on my decisions LOL.

It's like "shit, I cannot fuck up my decisions because I only have one life."

Instead, I believe that my second life will start when I get over that fear.

It's been crippling me since entering my 20s and has been the root cause of most of my personal problems.

Now, how do I get over this fear? I have no idea.

Good night.

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