A scary hosting opportunity (#062)

Being open about an exciting opportunity I got today.

Day events:

  • Went to the office today (it's always a good time, seeing my colleagues in person).
  • Actually worked pretty well today and was able to complete 2/3 "man of my words" tasks.
  • Got an enticing offer from Ms. The Artist (more on this in the thought of the day).
  • Stood my ground with Madame because I knew what I wanted (let's see if I'll get what I want or not).
  • Picked up my brother's car (And guess what? The car is now making a noise and a motion that it wasn't even doing before... I'll have to go back. Rip).
  • Had a very open and vulnerable discussion with miss JB (again, thank you for sharinng and for listeninngg).
  • Badminton practice (I was raging so hard today lol fkn Mr. WHAAAT was loving it).

Thought of the day:

"yo bro"

"would you be down to animate my soiree fundraiser premiere ish"

"you would get training for it!!!"

"and 400$ LOL"

Those are the exact 4 messages that I received from Ms. The Artist today (in regards to an event related to a documentary she's been working on for 6 years).

The immediate answer that popped into my head was "YES" quickly followed by "NO NO NO NO".

I've always liked the idea of being on stage and talking to a crowd. I know that it energizes me and I've always wanted to do more of it.

Whether it be giving people life lessons, doing stand-up comedy, pitching about a potential idea or simply talking my own personal life.

I know that it gives me energy because there was a point in my life where I used to take public speaking classes and I loved that shit.

Yes, I was naturally pretty good at it, but the reason why I loved it the most was for the improvement aspect of it. It was addicting.

Before every time I'd go up in front of the class to present, I always felt that mix of nervousness and anxiety.

I'd then present, usually, I'd do decently well on the first pass.

What I loved most was what happened later.

As soon as I finished the first run and sit down on my chair, my mind would start racing.

"Oh shit, I should have said this instead of that."

"Oh, this would make for such a better opener."

"I can probably insert this joke between this and that."

"Hmm.. maybe this part was a bit unclear, how can I make it clearer."

I couldn't wait for the next time I'd go in front of the class just try and top my previous speech.

Of course, I'd always be nervous before going up, but after the 3rd or 4th run, I'd feel pretty confident and proud of my progress from run 1 to run 4.

Even since then though, I haven't really gotten the chance to go back up on a stage and talk to people.

Until now.

Which is why, my first immediate reaction, was "YES ! I want to be back on a stage in front of people".

But then, suddenly, all my fears came rushing through my head all at once.

"You've never animated shit before."

"What if you bomb and do a poor job."

"You'll let Ms. The Artist down if you fuck this up."

"Why would you ever think you'd be capable of doing this."

"Go on, do it and go embarrass yourself and Ms. The Artist in front of all these people."

That's why, my "YES" quickly turned into a "NO NO NO".

Another fear I had was that because this is an official fundraising event, I'd have to do a really good job of animating it meaning I'd have to COMMIT to it. Like fully fully commit.

I'll most likely have to practice and practice and practice until I feel comfortable on stage and I don't fumble my words.

It's scary. Both the commitment to practicing to do the best job possible and the very real possibility that even though I'll practice a lot, I might still be bad at it and hence be partly responsible for Ms. The Artist raising less money.

And this is exactly why I will most likely take up the offer.

I really don't care about the pay, I would have been as excited / scared for this opportunity even if I was doing it for free. Except, I know that getting paid for it makes it more official.

I'm not here as a "charity" animator helping my friend out. I'm a paid professional who has to do his damn best to host this thing correctly.

But even more than that, I'm also someone who recently commitment to himself to live out his best life possible.

To live big instead of living small.

And part of living big is doing things that I WANT to do, things that EXCITE me without caving in to my doubts, fears and what other people may think.

I have exactly a week to give her my response, I'll definitely think about it more deeply (the event is Oct 2nd - I have my birthday around that time and one of my close friend's wedding the day before, Oct 1st), but my gut feeling says that I'll most likely take it.

Thanks for thinking about me Ms. The Artist.

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