A shitty post about wanting to find my tribe but being stupid (#130)

Day highlights:

  • Visited the Science and Industry Museum (it was huge, too huge to explore in one visit).
  • Did a very short lower body gym session (it actually feels good to feel rushed into doing a short workout).
  • Visited the Chicago Architecture Center (pretty lame tbh lol).
  • Went to Chinatown to eat (omg, biang biang noodles are sooo fucking good. Xi'an Cuisine and also took a really good dalgona coffee bubble tea at Te Amo).
  • Watched a preseason Bulls vs Bucks game (it was really fun to be with the fans and stuff, but would definitely like to be closer next time).

Thought of the day:

It's unfortunate, I have so many thoughts I want to write out of my head; however, I need to sleep early because I have an early flight tomorrow.

I know that tomorrow I won't feel or think the same way.

I'll try to write out all my thoughts and maybe build a more flow-y text later... or never haha.

Ah fuck, I hate this, I can't write properly because I feel like writing a nice text and all my thoughts are coming through in a bundle of spaghetti.

This is the worst.

Okay, go:

One of my goals in life is to find my tribe.

I've always wanted that close-knit group of friends where we're all ready to die for each other and we kinda go through life together.

Except, my whole life, I've been pretty bad at keeping the same circle of friends.

That's the reason why I know a lot of people, but am only close with a few people.

I've been moving from group to group, constantly trying to find my tribe and trying to find people who fit in with who I truly am.

This was exceptional hard given the fact that I didn't (and still don't) really know who I am.

How am I supposed to find people like me when I don't even know who "me" is?

Consequently, as I was discovering myself more and more, I stopped hanging with some people and hung out more often with others.

This is a pattern that has been going on for years and years.

My group of friends isn't the only place I do this.

I've also been doing this with my badminton career.

I've trained and played at many many different places.

Never truly able to find a spot to stay at forever and the number one culprit was my impatience.

I can't write for shit, omg.

Had I stayed at Laval all these years, I probably would have been much better in badminton + would have a badminton gang (but then again, I wouldn't have met some important people in my life aka Mr. FS, Mr. WHAAAT and, of course, JB).

But because I was greedy with wanting to improve + wanting to find my tribe, I kept leaving places to play somewhere where I thought the opportunity for improvement was better or to train with people I got along with more.

I'm just a fucking selfish guy who wants everything to be perfect and I hate it.

I also hate the fact that I hate it.

Behind all this, there's a fear.

I don't know what it is, but I am afraid of like being left behind or not progressing.

And because of this fear, I act like a lone wolf, but even wolves hunt in packs.

I'm sorry, this is such a bad post. I'm tired and I have too many things to think about.

Good night.

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