- I was very tired today.
- Still managed to complete all my tasks (especially that work one, wasn't sure I was going to be able to finish it).
- Had a frustratingly fun convo with JB (ughhhhhhh).
- Gym (really tough session, I wanted to give up midway through. It be like that sometimes).
- Badminton (played like shit, was frustrated at my lack of visible progress. Was able to win in team singles though - got a free bbt out of it).
- Post-badminton pho with dem boysss.
- Got a surprise convo with JB after !
Thought of the day:
I'm extremely tired at this point.
I have no idea how I was able to sleep at 4am every day when I was in NYC and during those 2 weeks.
Excuse my rambling.
As I was walking back home from badminton, I had a very random thought that involved death.
For some reason, as I was making my way up the metro stairs, I thought to myself "what if someone randomly and unexpectedly takes out a gun and shoots me dead, right here and now".
First of all, don't ask me why I think about these things.
I simply think about random death situations from time to time, all of them are always unexpected though.
The first thing that popped into my head was that this would absolutely suck, which is a very good thing. It means that I currently love my life enough that if it were to suddenly end, I'd find this to be very unfortunate.
This wasn't always the case, which is why I'm happy that this was the first thing I thought of.
The second thing I thought of were all the things that I should have said, but because I hypothetically died unexpectedly, I wouldn't have had the chance to say them. This one stung a little.
On one end, knowing that we actually can die unexpectedly, at any given moment, shouldn't we always say the things we want to say?
On the other end though, there are some things that require the right time and the right place to say and it'd be unwise to say them simply because "you never know that might happen."
However, there are some things that fit in the first category and not in the second category. With that in mind, I'll do my best to say those things as to have one less thing to regret if shit happens.
Finally, the last thing I thought about was that it would majorly suck if I just started to get my life together and wouldn't get the chance to see myself at my full potential.
I'm not saying that what I'm doing is healthy (thinking about random death situations), but I do find it somewhat useful to think about sometimes. It puts things into perspective and allows me to think about what do I truly value.
Additionally, the other thing this whole death thought made me think about is how lucky I am.
I guess this can go into being grateful.
But my train of thought went from death to all the people going through unfortunate events.
What about all the people who got kidnapped?
What about all the people who got incarcerated unjustly (this was also prompted by the John's story from humansofny)?
What about all the people who lost their loved ones from sickness?
And all of a sudden, after thinking of all these little things, I felt ultra grateful for the life that I have and thanked God for it.
3 hours prior to this, I was frustrated about my lack of progress in badminton, but how lucky am I for even being able to be frustrated about this?
Of course, everyone has their own struggles and I'm not putting anyone's struggles above another's, but Capital I felt blessed that I was even in a position to be frustrated.
Same thing with my job.
Same thing with my struggles of become a "man of my words".
Same thing with all my self-doubt and uncertainties.
For me, it was like a moment of realization that if I can always be grateful that you know, I have a job, that my loved ones are ALL healthy, that I can mostly do whatever I want, that I'm healthy, etc. Then, there's really nothing to worry about.
And that's something I, personally, want to actively work on.
It's also not about pretending to be grateful. I want to really feel it in every inch of my body and think this way too.
It's not about telling myself "fuck, this thing at work fkn sucks. Oh wait, let me be grateful for even having a job."
No, I simply want to walk around and live my life knowing that this is a blessing and that I should be grateful for it.
Fuck, I don't even know if what I wrote made any sense.
I've been falling asleep for like 15 seconds in between writing lmao.
Okay, time for me to go to sleep.
I just want to remember two things:
- Occasionally remind myself that this might be my last day and if so, what would I do differently.
- My life is good and I should genuinely be grateful for all of it.
This whole "I wish I could say what I wanted to say before I died" thing gave me a business idea. "My last words" would be a service that would securely save a video of you saying your last words and when you would die, we would send it to whoever you put on the list before recording the video. Update the video every x months.