At My Lowest

I’m mentally at the lowest point of my life.

I’m mentally at the lowest point of my life.

Nothing really excites me anymore and I feel like a gray blob going through the motions during my waking hours. Okay, I lied, the one thing that excites me is when I go to sleep because I don’t have to think and live my life.

One of my main problems is that I kinda know what I want and living the difference between my current state and my ideal state is depressing. But wait, I already know what you’re going to say. All I have to do is take action in order to go from current state to ideal state right? And and, on top of it, it’s very important to take atomic actions instead of big actions because if the action is too big, then I’ll probably fail at taking it.

I know that ! And that’s one of the other problems. I’m self-aware enough to know what I have to do, but because of my past experiences in trying to change myself failed so miserably, I don’t have the confidence to try and take those actions. This is a situation that happens all the time.

I think of a goal that I want. Then, I deconstruct that goal into tiny actions so it’ll be easy for me to do them. Then, I get excited about how a part of my life might finally turn around because this plan feels fool proof. But then, it turns out that I’m more than a fool because I somehow don’t follow my plan and, finally, I become depressed because I have, yet again, another example of me failing at trying to change myself.

This cycle repeats again and again and again except every time I fail, the hole that I’m trying to dig myself out of just keeps getting deeper and deeper because my self-confidence and belief that I can actually get out gets smaller and smaller.

So at some point, I was like “fuck it, you know what, I’m thinking too much about this, when the time is right, something will come along and I’ll be able to ride the wave out of my hole.” I tried living a “normal” life where instead of trying to take action and do something, I was just filling up my boredom with cheap entertainment such as Netflix, YouTube, Animes, etc. But every time I tried to watch something, I just thought it was so boring ! Why? Because, deep down, I know that there’s nothing more exciting than creating things. Like actually doing things that you care about and bringing something into the world.

I am literally stuck. I can’t think of the life I want without feeling bad about the fact that I’m unable to take action towards my ideal life and I can’t relieve my boredom without thinking that this sucks compared to living my ideal life.

I’ve read so many self-help books and every time I read one, it’s the same problem. I read a book, it gets me motivate, I try to apply it, I apply the principles for 2 weeks or whatever and then I stop. I become more depressed because I, again, failed to make significant changes in my life.

This also applies to talking with other people about my problem. I mean sure, it helps talking about my problems and venting them out, but whatever advice I’m given, I fail to stick with. I’m at a point where I know that the only person who can truly help myself is... me.

To top it off, something that just gets me even more depressed is thinking of my past self. Have you ever heard the expression “shell of my former self”? Well, I feel like the shell of that shell. So far from who I once was that I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I used to have so much self-confidence and grit and perseverance. I used to think of the future and get excited about what’s to come. There was no challenges to big for me, in fact, I used to thrive when getting challenged. The world used to be my oyster. Now? I’m the fucking shell of a lobster in the bottom of the ocean where the sun doesn’t shine.

Man, my life fucking sucks. If your life sucks, welcome to the club. At least you’re not alone. You probably have a shittier life than me though and don’t complain as much, but whatever.

The only thing that makes me hopeful is the fact that I know that I’m the only one who can change myself. This gives me massive accountability and it’s just enough to keep me going for now.

Subscribe to nijahusa

Don’t miss out on the latest issues. Sign up now to get access to the library of members-only issues.