Be courageous (#077)

Day events:

  • Ultra relax work day today.
  • I discovered something new today that I didn't really like about myself (maybe I'll post on it some other day).
  • Gym (I was a bit distracted at the gym today because of the above mentioned thing, it was a good session, but not optimal).
  • Badminton (this was good, I think I got better in doubles and singles).
  • Went out to eat with extended bad gang at our favourite -and only one open- chinese restaurant (there was a fucking weird situation that happened, a girl from my cegep came over to ask if we knew each other and while that was happening fkn Mr. WHAAAT was awkwardly rubbing my arm and it made the whole thing more awkward then what it had to be. I then proceeded to try and find this girl on facebook to apologize, but unfortunately, was unable to.... smh Mr. WHAAAAT hahahha).
  • Not a day I'd want to repeat many times tbh, if all my days were like this, except for gym and badminton, I'd be pretty disappointed with my life LOL.

The grateful section:

  1. Grateful to be able to do nothing hahahha. Actually, I found this fucking funny. At some point during the day, my brother and I were both laying on the couch and he was like "heyyy, you're doing nothing too" and then I answered "yeah.." and then he said "do you want to know what's the difference though?" [...] "you're getting paid" hahahhaha. And then we said this like 2-3 more times today. Anyway yay, I'm not proud of it, but I'm lucky to have days like these.
  2. Grateful to love writing. After the shit happened today, my mind was all fnascbqoijdisa and I didn't know what to do so I kept thinking and thinking and it was only once I was at the gym that my situation gave me the inspiration for today's blog topic. I wish I could have written it on the spot, because I'm sure it would have been so good, but you know, I wanted to finish my gym session.
  3. Grateful for random interactions. Even though, the interaction was a bit awkward due to Mr. WHAAAT, I do find myself liking these random interactions with strangers (in this case, it wasn't a total stranger, but still someone I wouldn't have thought I'd talk to today). I feel like it makes our days more unique.

Thought of the day:

Shit, I don't know how to start this post.

Okay, I'm sorry, but it's 2:30am and I really wanted to write a nice post about this subject because I do feel like it's something important, for all of us, but especially for myself.

I simply cannot muster enough creative juices to write an introduction, story and then conclusion.

I'll have to content myself with a word vomit that'll hopefully contain the essence of what I'm trying to convey to myself.

This post is about courage.

The courage to do the right thing.

It's fucking hard.

In that regards, I'm pretty sure that, by definition, I'm a fucking coward.

It's fucking lame to write this, but according to oxford, a coward is "a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things."

And doing the right thing is sometimes so unpleasant.

A great example of this is how I ended my last relationship.

I knew that by year 4 and beginning of year 5, I wasn't sure about how I felt in the relationship anymore, there were problems rising up here and there and instead of mustering up the courage to start these important conversations, I decided to take the cowardice way out and stay silent until the problems were too much for me to handle.

Listen, I do not regret breaking up at all, I think ultimately we weren't each other's persons; however, in a respectful way, I do regret not being able to end things sooner.

I just wasn't courageous enough.

Sometimes too, my mind is so good at tricking myself. I'll think of the right thing to do and then it'll come up with all sorts of "logical" reasons why I shouldn't do the right thing. Maybe it's not the right time or maybe it's not the right move to do or maybe I'm overthinking and I shouldn't do anything about it. Whatever it may be, I do know that my mind likes to play tricks on me whenever I'm supposed to do the right thing and I fear the consequences.

I want to change that.

I want to have the courage to stand up to all my fears.

I want to be able to have all my fears in front of me and look at them straight in the eyes and tell them "although you might all come true one day, I know that this is the right thing to do and so, I'll do it".

And I don't even know what it is about wanting to do the right thing.

I guess it has something to do with honesty, which I'm pretty sure is one of my core values.

When I don't do the right thing, I'm being dishonest with myself.

That's probably the worst dishonesty there is.

There are situations where you can lie to others, but you should never ever lie to yourself.

Also, being courageous is just so cool.

It's like you stare at your fears right in the fucking eyes and you tell them "you exist, but fuck you, I'm just going to ignore you and do what I think is right."

It's somewhat empowering.

If everybody could be a little bit more courageous, I feel like the world would be a better place.

And the cool thing about courage is that it's not some God-given talent that only a few people can do, no, literally, everyone can do it.

I feel like everyone gets inspired by courage and the more inspired we are, the more likely we are to be courageous ourselves.

Like let's say you watch Usain Bolt race and he runs 100m in 9.69s, you're there on your couch eating a bag of chips, and you're just like "oh cool man, that's totally awesome, I could never do that". Boom, end of story, nothing happens.

But with courage, it's like you're there, sitting in a classroom where the teacher is explaining a subject and everyone is looking around confused as hell because no one understands what's being taught. Then, you're about to ask a question, but you think to yourself that you might sound stupid for asking this question and everyone else in class is thinking the same thing. But then, there's one courageous kid who raises their hand to ask that stupid question and now everyone is relieved. What happens next is that there's a second student who raises their hand to ask another question and then another and another, etc.

All this started from one student having the courage to face their fears of being judged, which then inspired other students to do the same and now, ultimately, the whole class now understands what's going on.

Sorry, I got a bit too invested into this all too real classroom example.

What I'm trying to say is that courage is awesome.

It's the one thing that everyone can try to do more of and that I also want to do more of.

So Nijahusa, be courageous.

Face your fears head on.

Tell them fuck you.

These fears might sometimes become real and you'll get hurt, it won't be fun, you'll live some negative emotions, but at the end of the day, you'll be able to say that you lived honestly with yourself.

And I think, for me, there's nothing more beautiful than that.

Subscribe to nijahusa

Don’t miss out on the latest issues. Sign up now to get access to the library of members-only issues.