I'll grow up one day, but not right now (#024)

About badminton

Day events:

  • Booked all the necessities for my move.
  • Had a very unproductive day at work (still think I'm on vacation).
  • FINALLY PLAYED BADMINTON.

Thought of the day:

It simply doesn't make any sense to me.

I've played this sport for a total of 13 years and this year is the year that I am obsessed with it.

This was also supposed to be my last.

I had always told myself that when I'll go up to A, that will be my opportunity to hang up my racket and move on with my life.

And right as I was about to hang up my racket, I committed to another year of competition.

I've never been this in love with it.

It's fucking stupid. It's honestly so stupid.

Every fiber of my body is telling me that this is wrong.

I'm 26 about to turn 27 for god's sake.

This is the age where everyone starts thinking about career, their future, family, etc.

And I'm here thinking about playing badminton.

I know for a fact that this will lead to nowhere. I'm not gonna go international, I'm not gonna make a career out of it and I'm probably not gonna make any money out of this.

So why.

Why the fuck do I have this burning desire to see just how far I can go.

Like let me actually train properly for the first time in my life and see what impossible walls I'll climb.

Can my body even handle it? I don't know, I have so many injuries, but it doesn't matter. I know I'll manage somehow.

It honestly makes me wanna puke a little.

That ball of anxiety that's deep in your throat / in your lungs.

Why do I wanna puke?

Because why did it have to be this.

I've tried so many things in my life.

I even logically thought for so many years about what I'd do to ensure a good future for myself (my brother & mother also).

Even this year, I was ready to commit to coding. I had it all planned out.

And yet....

The only thing I can think of during the day is badminton.

I don't give a shit about my job. The best part of my day is when I can go to Atwater and play some badminton with my friends. In those few hours, I don't care what's going on in my life, all I feel is happiness. Even when I'm playing like shit. Okay, maybe not when I'm playing like utter garbage, but still.

And I know myself.

I cannot ignore how I feel. I wish I could be like "well Nich, badminton is all good and fun, but it's useless. It won't give you a better future and it's not a career you want.", but I can't.

After years of letting other people dictate my life, I now just want to selfishly follow my excitement and the fire in my heart.

I hope that in a very near future, I'll have satisfied this burning desire and will be able to hang up my racket in peace.

I also hope that when that happens,  I'll have a burning desire for something for useful.

But for now, I don't want to grow up. I want to follow what my heart desires without thinking about my future.

So here's to my most focused period of fucking badminton. Cheers !

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