I'm simply not ready yet (#044)

Candid post about relationships.

Day events:

  • Cooked myself some breakfast/lunch (cooking is so much more fun with other people lol why don't more people talk about this haha).
  • Writing this post (Living "alone" really has me thinking about myself a lot more).
  • Some house cleaning.
  • Brief visit to Gab G's birthday.
  • Comer en casa con mi hermano, su novia y mi madre.

Thought of the day:

This is going to be one heck of a candid post. Let's go.

I knew that this was going to happen, but I didn't know that it would be this hard.

Getting down from a high is never fun.

I've never done drugs, but I can imagine that when you take a big dose of drug and suddenly cut it off, you would feel something similar to what I'm feeling right now.

I'm not gonna lie, I really think those weeks were a big ass cocktail of hormones.

Dopamine, serotonin, endorphin and oxytocin.

The 4 happiness hormones were present at their utmost level and if you combine that with the fact that I wasn't sleeping much, I was literally functioning on "drugs". Natural drugs, but drugs nevertheless.

Man, I was super energetic while sleeping 4-5 hours every day. There's no other explanation.

But now that I'm no longer being fed all these hormones... let's just say that shit's been hard.

I know I'll recover. This isn't the first time that this has happened.

It did make me realize one thing though.

I am definitely not ready for a relationship.

Actually, I never was.

Even when I was with my ex-girlfriend, now that I look back, I simply wasn't ready, which is why I eventually ended it.

I had gone into the relationship without a thought of who I was and what it meant to be in a relationship. Or actually, the prerequisites to a romantic relationship.

See, I believe that not a lot of people (including myself) ever thought of the mental state they should be in before entering a romantic relationship.

We always see all these movies or shows where the two characters just enjoy spending time together, they "fall in love" and then get together.

But in those fictional pieces, characters are usually two dimensional. We usually only get to see a fraction of their personalities and, in reality, human beings are fucking more complex creatures than the typical "hot jock football player" and the "unconfident nerdy girl who turns hot".

I believe that even falling in love isn't good enough to enter a relationship anymore. Sure, ya'll love each other (whatever that means), but are you ready for a relationship?

A relationship is a whole other entity. You have yourself, your partner and the relationship itself. It needs to be taken care of. I'm exaggerating a bit here, but it's almost like having a child.

Can you be sure that when the relationship will be created that you and your partner will be able to take care of it WITHOUT SACRIFICING yourselves?

Miss JB and I were talking about it yesterday. The fact that both of us have a tendency of sacrificing ourselves in relationships. We like to give a bit too much of ourselves to fuel the relationship, but in the process, we lose ourselves.

And that's NOT how a relationship should be. Or, at least, that's what I think.

That's the reason I said that I was never ready for a relationship.

I don't even really know who I am so of course when a relationship comes along, I'll lose myself to it.

I'm not strong enough yet to keep a healthy boundary between me and the relationship.

I do think though that a healthy relationship is wonderful. When both you and your partner are ready for it, it becomes a positive entity that makes both of your lives better.

It's like coffee and cake.

You ever had a delicious coffee paired with a delicious cake? It's simply magical. The combination of both elevates each other to make something greater.

BUT, the prerequisite is that the coffee needs to be good by itself and the cake too. If the coffee or the cake are lacking in taste in the first place, then the combination of the two might make the shitty one taste better, but it'll also remove from the tastier one.

In order for the magic to happen, both needs to be good by themselves.

Exactly the same with human beings and romantic relationships.

That's why, I know I'm not ready to be in a relationship.

I'm simply not good by myself. I want someone else to make my life tastier when it should be my mission to make my life tasty by itself.

I need to figure out my goals, I need to figure out who I am, I need to be comfortable with who I am.

And then and only then, will I go find a delicious cake to create that magical pairing.

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