It's time to get back to who I am (#152)

Day highlights:

  • Had some fun jamming and dancing to music.
  • Took a pretty long walk (Bought a polish donut and discovered a free indoor pool near my apartment).
  • I got the chance to do a little surprise for JB and it made me very happy.
  • Excellent badminton practice (mostly games, but lots lots lots of them).

Thought of the day:

It had been a while since I felt physically exhausted and that's exactly what happened today.

I got the opportunity to play for almost 2 whole hours nonstop and I am so grateful for this.

At the end of it, I felt at peace.

Of course because I played well and got many victories, but also the act of exerting myself so much brought with it a lot of inner calmness.

I realized that I had not felt that in a long long time.

With that calm feeling, came another unexpected guest: A deep realization that I haven't been living like myself for the past few years.

The best example I have of this is how I've been trying to learn badminton.

The initial reason why I got this good is simply because I trained a whole lot, gave my best at whatever drills I was given as well as adjust my game every time someone gave me advice.

Contrast this to how Mr. FS learned badminton. As an analytical person, he wanted to truly understand badminton and build from the ground up. He wanted to know what were the basics, train the basics and build his game "from scratch", the right way.

I guess at some point, I realized that if he continued on this trajectory for the next 10 years (or sooner), I was scared that he would surpass me quickly. And it's a pretty shitty feeling to get surpassed by someone that played half the time that you did (in terms of years, which I admit is not a good measure of success).

So I got scared.

I could clearly see that his way of doing things were the "superior" way. That, if I had to start from scratch or teach someone, I'd pick his way of doing things.

Consequently, in order not to get surpassed, what did I decide to do? I decided to try and copy his way of doing things.

And I've been STRUGGLING like a bishhhh to do it. I'm constantly thinking and thinking and thinking and want to analyze the best way of doing things. But it's so HARD for me to do it. BECAUSE I'M NOT WIRED THIS WAY.

In one of my favourite mangas, Kingdom, the main protagonist, Shin, is a young soldier who's dream is to become the greatest general (army) in the world. At the later stage of the manga, they explain that there are in fact 2 types of generals: Instinctive and Strategic. Throughout the manga, they introduce some badass strategic generals and they're so cool because they think of all these elaborate plans and trickeries to win the wars. I can't help but read about them and admit that they're so smart and analytical. Like grand masters playing chest with their armies.

Nevertheless, Shin, the MAIN CHARACTER, is actually an instinctive type general. No matter how much he wishes he could come up with elaborate plans or devise complex strategies, his strengths lie elsewhere. He's able to adapt quickly, listen to his gut and can simply "feel" what the right thing to do is.

I find myself relating a lot more to Shin than other strategic generals and I should not forget this.

I have my ways of doing things and it comes with its strengths and weaknesses, but at least, they're what works the most for me.

I talked about badminton at the beginning, but I've been doing this in so many other areas in my life.

I kept thinking about all these specialists that know every single detail and concept about their subject and all I could think about was "shit, I need to be like them in order to succeed", but that is a LIE.

God has given me gifts that are different from these specialists. I've always been someone who gained experience by simply doing a lot of shit and learning from those experiences.

I might not always know WHY things work, but I do know that they work and I'm able to show it and explain it.

All this to say, I realized today that I wasn't being authentic to who I am.

I was trying to be someone else and it was causing me a lot of headaches, a lot of thinking and not a lot of results to be honest.

I'm extremely grateful that God made me realize this today.

Thank you thank you thank you.

It's time to get back to "simply" being myself.

Good night.

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