Journal entry #001

I'm currently supposed to be working, but I just can't find the motivation to get any work done.

Yes, I feel bad about it, but I just can't help it.

It actually makes it worse. The fact that I want to work and somehow still do not do it.

What's wrong with me?

Is something wrong with me?

Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know.

It's the helplessness that eats at me actually.

It's always been that. Nothing worse than wanting to do something about it, but can't.

Don't know what to do so let me write a "poem":

Now, I'm just trying to express my thoughts clearly

No filters, no holdbacks, just words that I hold on to dearly

I've been stuck in the same loop for the past 5 years

So frustrating, it's hard to hold back tears

At this point, I just want some divine intervention

Anything to get me out of my current position

I've thought and thought about it, yet nothing ever came out of it

All because my poor ass is too scared to commit

See, I'm in a very peculiar situation

Something that a lot of you can probably relate to

But for me, it's not something that I want to do

Let me relay to you this explanation

My life is set if I don't change anything

Because my current job takes care of everything

And I guess that's a pretty decent way of making a living

But am I really living if I'm not enjoying the moments I live in?

See, I want to wake up and be excited for my day

Instead of it being something I wish would just go away

The problem is I do not know what makes me feel alive

Or even an idea of a direction that would make me thrive

Actually, this might not even be true

I have a vague idea of what I'd like to try and pursue

But it's so broad, I don't even know where to begin

Maybe I should go ask my buddy, Trinh

One problem down, another one to go

I still need to live, how am I supposed to pay my bills?

If I change jobs, won't the same problem just regrow

Only way to know is to do it even if it kills

But I'm still worried what other people might think

Even though they're not even playing in the same ice-skating rink

So I should be confident in myself because I have my ways

Who cares if all these people are looking at me sideways

Writing this poem really made me feel better

I now feel so much more lighter

So thank you for your participation

By listening to this self-conversation

You gave me the motivation

To do something about my small depression