Just a bit of sadness part 1 (#066)

In this post, Nijahusa explores 2 things that makes his life a bit sad when he thinks of them.

Day events:

  • Turns out the truck guy didn't start working until 9:30am so I was able to sleep well yesterday !
  • Had a productive morning at work.
  • Started counting my calories (probably only for this week and... holyshit, I was definitely not eating enough these past few weeks).
  • Gym session (it was pretty good, I got to do my favourite upper body workout out of the three).
  • A lot of eating (I think I ate close to 3000 cals today haha).

Gratitude (new section):

  1. I am grateful for my mom who constantly cooks for my brother and I and who ultimately allowed me to hit 3k cals without much effort on my end.
  2. I am grateful for my coworkers and my manager who make work more entertaining and less stressful.
  3. I am grateful for my Atwater membership, which allows me to train in a nice, calm and not overcrowded environment.

Thought of the day:

I brought in a new section today !

My goal is that every post I write will also be accompanied by 3 things I am grateful for today.

I think it'll be good for me to actively think about things that I might take for granted, but are actually blessings in my life that I am lucky to have.

Why did I bring in this new section today?

Cuz this post about to be sad as fuck so I had to balance it out with a bit of positivity hahaha.

Let's get into it.

I'm usually a pretty positive guy.

Sure, I had my fair shares of depressive periods (some of them lasted many months), but in recent times, I've been pretty positive.

Like, not even neutral, actually positive.

However, now and then, there are days where a wave of negativity and sadness just washes over me.

I mean, I could try to brush it off and pretend like I'm positive or "trick" my mind into thinking more positively....

Or better yet, I know that a good night's rest will make most of my problems disappear, but

I am also someone who likes to live his emotions, whether positive or negative AND writing about it might actually heal some of it.

My first negative thought is about friends or loneliness or both.

Back when I first started high school, I did not have many friends. I'd mainly hangout with the same 3-4 people all the time at school and outside of school, I simply had my best friend, Mr. Try Again.

Then, around my 3rd year, I started going out more and met a bunch of people (mostly asian). And it was wonderful. It felt like I had so many friends and so many people who understood me. Except, I'd always try to find my "tribe" so I would hop from circle of friends to circle of friends to circle of friends. Along the way, a few people stuck in my life, but I never really stuck with a circle.

And it's been the same ever since.

Okay wait, I'm going way too deep into the details, I was about to explain my whole history of friendships and although it might be interesting, I also have other subjects I want to explore.

For this, all I want to say is that, ever since I started focusing on myself a lot more. I feel like I've become somewhat of a worse friend in general.

I understand, it's supposed to be "normal". I'm busy with my shit, my friends are busy with their shit so we have less time to talk to each other.

However, I remember a time when I was constantly talking with people and trying to see them or catch up. Yes, it was very very time consuming and with my current schedule, it would be very very hard to reproduce, but it felt nice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that focusing on myself can get lonely sometimes.

Alright, next subject.

When will my curiosity beat my fears?

I'm currently reading a book called "Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear" and there's a passage where she's talking about her dad and this is what she wrote:

"When my father grew curious about things, he pursued them."

That struck such a chord within me. I read that line and told myself: "this is also the way I want to do things."

I think I'm innately such a curious person who wants to learn things, build things, know how things work, try a bunch of things, but on top of this innately curious being lies a shell that's afraid of failure, wants success, worries about other people's opinions, wants guarantee, worries about the future, etc.

I just realized that this shell is my most likely my fkn ego. Well, maybe not all of it, but part of it for sure.

Okay, well, in the middle of writing, I helped my brother with some coding shit and now I'm officially out of time with this post.

Guess we'll find out other negative things in nijahusa's life in part 2, which will be written.... one day !

Adios amigos y amigas !

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