New points of focus (#119)

Day highlights:

  • Funny / cute moments this morning with JB (plank under sheets hahah)
  • Work/study date with JB.
  • Interesting work convo with the team around our transition.
  • One badminton game that gave me some realizations.
  • Lower body gym session (it was okay, it felt good to squat).

Thought of the day:

When I first arrived at Atwater, the plan was to gym and then maybe play badminton afterwards if there weren't a lot of people.

As soon as I came in though, I got asked to play a good doubles game.

As the badminton addict I am, I accepted.

Except, there was a twist, we would make a bet. A bubble tea bet.

If there's one thing you have to know about me, it's that when there's a bet going on, my competitive side fires up and I start playing seriously. I do not like to lose bets.

Everything started well and then the second and third sets did not go as expected.

We ended up losing the match.

I was devastated.

I remember wanting to break my racket in two and never ever play badminton again.

I was livid.

Obviously, after already breaking one racket this year, I simply dropped my racket on the floor and headed straight for the gym instead.

I was so furious.

At first, I was mad at my partner because even though I wasn't playing well, he did not do a good job of uplifting me and simply added more pressure which did not help me at all.

But then, I thought about it and I told myself that even though he could have supported me better, it was just my fault for sucking this much at badminton.

If I were stronger mentally and badminton-wise, I wouldn't need my partner to uplift me. I'd just destroy people.

So then, while going through the motions of warming up for my upcoming gym session, my mind turned inward.

Yes, I was furious that I lost that game, mostly because I played like shit and knew we could have won, but also because I've been frustrated with many things in my life.

And somehow, when I was in this vulnerable state where I literally didn't want to play badminton anymore, I just started enumerating EVERYTHING I am tired of.

I am tired of my body not being healthy and feeling like it's constantly tired / injured (just injured my achilles today, hopefully nothing serious).

I am tired of playing some shitty badminton because I never properly learned the fundamentals.

I am tired of not having a strong and muscular body (like super athletic and ripped).

I am tired of doing goddamn nothing at work all day and thinking it's okay.

I am tired of being fucking lazy with everything in my life.

Those were the 5 things that I thought of during my FML episode following my devastating lost.

In that moment, I told myself, you know what? Sure, it's cool to have goals and stuff, but if there are things that I am personally frustrated with, I think the right thing to do is to concentrate on eliminating those frustrations instead of focusing my time and energy into positive building.

In other words, focus on eliminating the negative points in my life instead of trying to add positive ones (once you don't have any negativity, then you can concentrate on optimizing the positives).

I don't know how I'm going to tackle these 5 things or if I'm going to tackle all of them this year, but I want to fix some of these for sure.

I also hope I'll have the goddamn motivation to actually follow through with these instead of saying it and then forgetting how frustrating it was in the first place.

I swear, I've been so lazy these past 3 weeks. In badminton, in gymming, at work and even with my house chores. I can't seem to do jackshit and it's soooo frustrating.

Anyway, I'll start tackling one of these soon.

Good night.

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