On changing friends often (#098)

Day highlights:

  • Office day, basically just chilled for the whole day (although, we did have a really good team discussion. Potentially a lot of exciting things to come. Only time will tell).
  • Raw conversation with JB (I'm here for you, always *teary eyed emoji*).
  • Visited the main store with the whole team(I personally find the store to be so boring lol).
  • Good little discussion with my brother (more on that in the TOTD).
  • Badminton (played well, I was finally able to beat a pair that I've been constantly losing to, it feels good - although I was playing with a different partner).
  • Fun little conversation with JB (always fun).

Thought of the day:

Yesterday, I video chatted with my ex.

It first started off as a simple discussion about a wedding we're supposed to attend.

And it later turned into a conversation about our now-ended relationship.

While I was talking to her, my brother was literally sitting across from me and he wore his headphones the whole time we were talking (out of respect I guess).

But to my surprise, he actually was getting little bits of the conversation here and there and, today, while eating supper together, he asked me a question about friends.

Yes friends, it might sound weird and not in context, but the reason why he asked me that question is because I was telling my ex how I don't really mind not hanging out with our previous gang because I had my own people now.

The question my brother asked me was "Don't you find it a bit weird that you constantly change the people you hangout with every few months / years?" [Translating from French to English]

I immediately answered with my go-to answer for things that I don't tend to think too much about "Maybe, but I'm good like this."

Boom, end of discussion !

Just kidding.

We then started discussing about why I change my close friends every few months / years.

What I basically said was that, I'm a bit of an "extreme" person when it comes to choose who I give my time to.

I'll have my moments when I'm super interested in something and for that period of time, I mostly want to spend my time with people who are also as interested (more or less) in what I'm interested in.

I thought the discussion would end there, but my brother then followed up with another question that was something like "do you think that, right now, the people you are close with stay the same in 5 years?"

Without having to think too much about it I automatically answered "yes".

And then we both found it weird. I found it weird because I was pretty confident about my answer when, from my past pattern, I would have expected myself to say "no" and then my brother was surprised because my "yes" was going against what I said earlier (about why I often change my group of friends).

So obviously, being the thinker I am, I started turning the gears in my head to find out why exactly I was this confident of staying with my current groups of friends.

The answer that I out was pretty surprising.

It's because I am acting like myself now.

I know, you might have read this and be like "what the fuck is this guy talking about".

Let me explain.

My whole life up until 25 I'd say, I always operated in a people pleaser mode to the point where I would do a lot of actions that weren't "me", but if it meant being accepted by the group, I would still do them.

For example, when I was in high school, I used to hangout with people who had a more "gangster" attitude and that created my what-I-like-to-call "yo-yo Nijahusa" persona.

I'd do and say shit that didn't sit right with me (I never did anything super illegal or whatever, but I wasn't acting like myself) in order to be accepted by my "gangster" friends.

However, as my gangster friends grew older, they started smoking, drinking a lot, some even started taking drugs and because I knew that this type of behaviour isn't who I am / wanted to be, then I simply stopped hanging out with them and found another group after that.

And it's the same type of scenario with different groups of friends.

At some point though, as I was growing up, I started to realize that the best way to live life is to simply be yourself and attract / hangout with people who vibes with your true self.

And that's what I think changed and why I think I'll continue to hangout with Mr.PDS, Mr. Whattttt, JB, Mr. FS, etc.

It's because me leaving a group had nothing to do with the people in the group, even to this day, I'm still chill with everyone I used to hangout with (like there's no hate), I simply don't like hanging out with them because they know me as and expect me to be a "fake version" of myself that they used to hangout with.

The best example I can give of this is my cegep group.

We still hangout with each other to this day and I love them; however, the reason why I can't be super close with them anymore is because they knew me as someone who's cold, who doesn't have feelings, who's prideful, who tries to act cool, etc.

And even now, I sometimes act kindly with them and they're somehow surprised by my actions. Or if I hug someone, they'll be like "omg, you never hug, what happened".

Okay, I feel like I'm just babbling away right now because I'm pretty tired haha.

All this to say that I think I am the truest me possible right now and I will continue to strive to always be and act like myself no matter the situation and because of that, I know that the people I fuck with right now, are people that I'll fuck with forever.

Good night.

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