- Pretty good morning discussion about relationships with miss JB (will write more about this in my next post).
- First breakfast sit down with my brother (thanks for the "breakfast", is it still breakfast if I ate at 1pm?)
- First Costco run to buy things for myself (wow, Costco is really awesome. I get why people go crazy there. I wanna do an analysis on whether or not it's worth it to buy everything at Costco vs local supermarkets).
- Quick gym session (bruh, I didn't know my gym closed this early on the weekends... 8pm ! wtf ! But it was an awesome session so I'm happy I went).
- Went to Bar Loic to celebrate Seb's birthday (clubs are definitely not for me haha).
Thought of the day:
Immediately after waking up, I started thinking about the fact that I was thinking a lot lately.
Opposite to how I was feeling 2 weeks ago, I seemed to be less happy, energetic, etc.
The reason being I decided that, starting next week, I'll start concentrating on "me" and getting "back on track".
And with that, came a lot of thinking because that's what I've always done.
Consequently, the gears in my brain started turning and I began thinking about my career 24/7 to the point where I had a hard time writing posts on anything else besides that.
Even if I write only for myself, I still want my posts to have some diversity because it means that my brain is also diversified. This blog is basically my brain child hahaha.
Anyway, I woke up this morning and I was like "what the fuck, why did I suddenly start overthinking."
And so, I wanted to write a blog post about how overthinking is actually bad for me (I'm not saying it's bad in general, just that for ME it is), but while at the gym, I had a fucking epiphany.
My creative juices started pouring out of my brain to the point where I almost wished I had my computer with me in order to write out my thought. Obviously, I did not do that. I'm writing this after my gym session.
My epiphany is that my overthinking (and I'll just say overthinking in general) is rooted in fear. Yes. FEAR.
Every time I start overthinking a certain matter, it's because I'm afraid of something.
For instance, at the gym, while I was in-between sets, I started overthinking whether I should change gym programs or not to optimize for badminton.
The debate here is that my current program is good for badminton, but not great. It has a bit of focus on aesthetics, which is "useless" for badminton performance, but makes me look & feel great.
After a while, I was like what the fuck, why am I even debating over this. Do I like the program? Yes. That's it. I made a previous post about this already, but the breakthrough is that after deciding to stick to with my program, I asked myself "why was I debating this in the first place?"
The answer that came up was "because I told myself I was going to concentrate on badminton in order not to suck (fear) next year so I should forget about aesthetics no?"
Boom 2 fears in that sentence.
Fear of sucking at badminton and consequently needing to optimize everything in order to get better.
Fear of contradicting myself and not focusing on my "goal".
Concerning the first fear, this is what I told myself: "bro, do I think I'm training to become the next badminton world champion? no. Some people are better than me at badminton and don't even gym so doing something good at the gym should be enough".
Concerning the second fear, it's a bit more complicated.
It's a fear that isn't wrong. Logically speaking, the goal I set out was to see how far I can get at badminton and in order to know that, in theory, I should optimize my gym program for badminton, BUT who created that goal? I did. Am I perfect? No. It means that maybe my goal isn't truly my goal.
Maybe my real goal is "I want to see how far I can get at badminton while looking aesthetically pleasing" and if this is my true goal, then does my current gym program make sense? Yes it does.
Is it a stupid goal? Well, it depends, maybe for someone else it is, but it's not stupid for me. This is a goal that'll make me the happiest and I know that because I know I would be miserable if I train really intensely for badminton, become really good at it, but look at myself in the mirror and not like what I see.
Holyfuck, this can be a whole other post ! "Why it's important to not follow your goals too blindly". I'm sorry, the juices are pouring out of my brain and it seems I can't contain them. Let's get back to overthinking.
Another example of fear disguised as overthinking is how I think about my career.
Right now, I'm really trying to think my way through life, which I KNOW does not work. It's almost impossible to do. Sure, there's like 0.01% of the population that can do it. You know, the geniuses of the world that mapped out their lives and executed on their map, but ask the other 99.99% of the population and most of them don't know how the fuck they got where they are right now.
They just did shit, followed their curiosity, tried a bunch of things and then eventually something stuck and now they're there.
But my dumbass thinks that I'm a genius who can think about his life and find clear answers like that.
And the reason why I want to find clear answers RIGHT NOW is because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of how long it'll take to truly find the answers otherwise. I'm currently unhappy with my situation and then what if I change jobs and then don't like it again? "Oh no, I'm wasting time" "time is slipping by" "we only live once and I'm not living life properly" All that shit goes through my head.
It's all fear.
If I truly enjoyed the process and wasn't antsy about it, I'd simply think about my next move, but would never overthink it. I'd simply think about "hmm.. this might interest me, let me try it and see what the outcome is". If I like it, then good. If not, then let me simply think again about what I might like instead.
Overthinking happens when I'm afraid that something might go wrong so I try to think about everything beforehand.
But now that I know about this pattern happening in my head, I can act and resolve it.
- Am I overthinking? Yes.
- That means I must be afraid of something, what am I afraid of?
- Oh I'm afraid of that, why am I afraid of this?
- Does it make sense to be afraid of this? No? Then I'm overthinking for nothing. Yes? Well, let me deal with the fear itself instead of overthinking this other thing.