Taking a step back to find what I like (#078)

Day events:

  • Went for 2 walks to process my next life steps.
  • A bit of house chores.
  • Fun little convos with JB and my brother (not together, but separately haha).
  • Ate steak (is this becoming a tradition? Saturday night steak dinners? hahaha).

The grateful section:

  1. Grateful that I love to eat vegetables. I'm saying this because I know that some people out there dislike vegetables and today, for lunch, I was eating chicken with FROZEN Costco vegetables, but I was still like... shit, these vegetables are pretty fucking good. Made me happy that I like eating veggies even when they're frozen.
  2. Grateful that I'm smart enough to try and self-diagnose my throat. Okay, I'm not 100% sure and it'll only be confirmed once I see my grandpa tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I have a bacterial strep throat, which usually comes with a high fever. This time though, for some reason, there's no fever, just sore throat symptoms. Anyway, I'm going to wake up early to get some antibiotics and I know from past experience that it'll work it's magic as soon as I take them.
  3. Grateful for midday walks. It feels good to just take a walk outside on a nice and sunny day.

Thought of the day:

Today was one of those introspective days.

I'm so busy during the week that I don't really have time to do anything else besides work, gym and badminton.

Sure, I can fit maybe 30 minutes here and there for other things; however, I never seem to muster the energy to do it.

Consequently, the weekend should really be the time to be productive on side projects and whatnot.

I recently told myself that I wanted to live a more creative life and the medium I chose to express my creativity through was coding.

It's a bit weird to hear that, but I do think coding or creating applications can be quite the creative process.

The only thing is, every time the weekend came around, I never seemed to want to actually code.

I wanted to know why.

So I took a walk today and thought about it.

This is what I came up with.

I asked myself "right now, what do I actually want?"

Removed from all social media and what other people thought, it was just me and my mind.

I told myself "look, right now, I'm pretty happy with my life to be honest. I don't really work hard for a decent salary, I love my team, I go to the gym often, I play badminton often. It's a happy life".

Would I want this to be my life forever? No.

So what's missing? What's the next step?

The next step would be to have something that I can build upon, that contributes in some way to society, that I can do for the next few years and that I like doing.

That's the answer I came up with.

And then I thought back to coding.

I can certainly build upon my coding skills, creating useful apps does make a good contribution to society and I can certainly do it for many many years.

What about the fourth one? "that I like doing".

Do I like coding?

Not really man.

That's when I knew that coding probably isn't the next step I was looking for.

Don't get me wrong, logically, coding is awesome and if I was the type of person who, you know, really wanted to make money or can just put their heads down and do the work, I'd definitely choose that.

The problem is, I'm a pretty illogical person when it comes to it.

My love for badminton is illogical. Yet, it's one of the things I love the most about my life.

I think I'm someone who moves with his heart first and then his head.

I totally could add coding to my to-do list every day and I'd probably code some shit and in a few months, complete a project.

But would that make me happier? Is that the next best step in my life?

I'm already doing something that I don't like as a day job (note that I do not dislike it or hate it, I simply don't like it) , why would I torture myself by doing something I also don't like on the weekends?

I feel like that would be a step back from where I want to go.

As Jim Carrey once said: "You can fail at what you don't want. You might as well take a chance on doing what you love."

I'm already living a good life right now, why would I put it extra hours to create a life that's not that much better than the one I'm currently living?

If I want to live creatively, might as well choose something that I actually like doing no?

It sounds stupid writing this because I guess from an outside perspective, what I just wrote is common sense; however, after so many years of being exposed to what other people want, what other people are aiming for, what other people tell us what to do or how to live life, it's hard not to lose sight of OUR north star.

For me, I think it's time to take a step back.

I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to go HARD at the first thing that comes to mind, but the first thing isn't always the best thing.

Maybe I should do an exploration phase.

Just do a bunch of things that I think I might like and then see how each one of them goes.

Let me sit on it. I know writing is definitely on those lists though.

Weirdly, I've currently written 77 issues and it's the only thing that I didn't even have to put on a to-do list.

Even at 4am in NYC, I'd still have the energy and will power to write.

Granted, those weren't literature masterpieces, but there was still some value in some of them (or so I'd like to think).

Anyway, that's it.

Good night.

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