The feeling of being enough (#094)

Day highlights:

  • Woke up to JB next to me (heart eyes emoji).
  • JB cooked a yummy lunch for me (and I helped a little bit).
  • Proud moment for JB (and very satisfying one for me).
  • Ate supper at mom's house to celebrate the broski's birthday.

The grateful section:

  1. Grateful that God has put JB in my life.
  2. Grateful for small family moments. They're always a funny and light-hearted.

Thought of the day:

It's been an absolutely hectic past 2 weeks.

I've mostly stuck to my schedule, but I also know that it wasn't quite the same.

I felt like I didn't have any direction or purpose when I was playing badminton or gymming. It was mostly going through the motions.

I think low sleep quality was a big factor as I couldn't really focus myself on doing things properly since I was constantly tired and sick.

I still have some weird thing going on with my mucus in the back of my throat, but it slowly seems to be going away and I've been able to sleep pretty well these past few days (although not a lot haha).

In my half-tired state coming back home today, I was thinking about my life and I felt an immense sense of peace.

My time with JB so far has been incredible and throughout all our interactions, there's always been this big sense that I am enough as I am.

I think this sense of peace comes from this.

It's the feeling that just being myself, a good, loving, caring, thoughtful partner to her is enough in itself and that I don't have to prove myself through anything else.

It's been very freeing for me.

I obviously need to have this feeling by myself.

I am so so so thankful that she's able to create that safe environment for me, but I also know that it's a feeling that I should have within myself without her help.

My whole post-university life, I always felt like I needed to do something in order to prove that I am someone. That simply existing and being a decent human being was not enough.

I think that's why I always had thoughts of making it big or being successful, etc.

I thought that once I got that, I can finally prove to people and myself that I was someone.

In reality though, JB made me understand that there's a world that exist where I am already enough. Me being myself and just living my plain old boring life. And that if I died doing that, then I would have died being enough. My existence is enough.

The reason why this is so important to me is because, I'm convinced that a big reason why I've always self-sabotaged myself in my endeavours is because I wanted to succeed too much. I was putting pressure on myself that everything I did, had to be successful and I'm not someone who operates well with that pressure.

As I wrote a few times in the past, I simply was to follow my curiosity and do things regardless of the outcome.

And I can only do that I feel within me that I am already enough.

That I can spend my whole life simply following my curiosity, doing things and even if absolutely none of them amounts to anything, then it's fine because my goal in life is simply to enjoy myself and follow my curiosity.

I don't need to prove anything.

I simply need to be.

Good night.

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