My new F word (#067)

A post about something I've been missing in my life and now that I finally realized it, it feels liberating.

Day events:

  • Electricity got cut off this morning at 10am (hmm.. who knew that we had to call Hydro Quebec to tell them that we're moving in to pay the electricity bill? Not this guy hhahaha).
  • Deep work session to figure out this Slack api thing (completed my work task. I'm starting to like not thinking about the grand scheme of things and just focus on the immediate task that I'm doing).
  • Went to go get waxed (it hurt a little more than last time, but it was still a good experience).
  • Badminton practice (eating enough calories - or more - really makes a difference in terms of energy !! It's great).

The grateful section:

  1. I am grateful to have loving and caring people around me (my brother and JB) who told me that I wasn't eating enough and that I should eat more.
  2. I am grateful that God led me to learn coding and to stick with it even though I always thought I hated it because I'm finally starting to see how it can be fun (when I focus on learning, doing things I want and not do it 8 hours a day every day).
  3. I am grateful to be able to enjoy a delicious protein smoothie post-workout.

Thought of the day:

Yesterday, I wrote in my post that I knew how I wanted to live my life.

It was a life of creative living where I can fully explore my curiosities, make things and just start things because I wanted to start things without thinking about the rest.

I also wrote in my post that there were many thoughts in my head that prevented me from doing so.

Mainly, they could be boiled down into two things:

  1. Fear of Failure.
  2. Not knowing where all this will lead me.

In my very tired state, I made the assumption that these two things were actually the voice of my ego.

Telling me that if my projects failed, then that meant that I was a failure.

Telling me that if I don't know the outcome of where this will lead me, then I might not end up where I want to be and, ultimately, be a failure.

This is partly true.

I'm sure somewhere in those thoughts, I do have my ego telling me these things, but at the same time, I know that my thirst of becoming Curious Nijahusa heavily outweighs what my ego thinks so I knew there had to be another blocker.

Little fun fact: My mom initially wanted to call me Oliver-George (thank god she didn't) and the George part of this name is actually based on Curious George (an old-ish animated series about this super curious monkey). It's funny how this "Curious" attribute came full circle haha. Anyway, back to the main story.

It turns out that after thinking about God more than usual today as well as reading a section of Big Magic, it finally clicked (or God made me realize it).

What Fear of Failure and "Not knowing where this will lead me" have one big thing in common and that is: Lack of Certainty (there's another word for this, but I'll get to it later).

Indeed, fear of failure is actually a misleading name because what we're actually afraid of is not succeeding. If you expected the outcome to be failure, you wouldn't be afraid of it. So it's not actually the failure that scares us, it's putting time and effort into something and thinking it might succeed, but not knowing if it actually will.

There's a similar logic to my fear of "not knowing where this will lead me".

It's actually been this lack of certainty that has been crippling me for years on end. I think I've always known what I wanted to do, but because I was never certain that this will help me and my future self, I always hesitated in starting them.

After all, if I'm excited by something and would know 100% that this is good for my future / will succeed then there'd be no reason why I wouldn't do it.

And you know what this is called?

When you do something because it excites you and it just feels right and you might not know if it'll succeed and you might not know if it'll actually lead you somewhere you want, but you still do it?

It's called being a fucking idiot ! hahah just joking.

It's called having Faith.

It's having faith that no matter what I do, God will put me exactly where I need to be.

It may or may not be what I had planned for or what I imagined, but it is still where I need to be at that moment.

I mean hopefully, where I want to be and where God plans me to be is the same destination, but I never know and it's okay.

For the longest time, the reason why I wanted to control every single outcome in my life and make sure that everything I did was inline with where I wanted to go (even though I didn't even know where that was) was because I always thought that I had spent the first 22 years of my life on autopilot and it lead me somewhere I didn't want to be.

I always told myself that if I could start over my life with what I knew now, I definitely would not have picked software engineering as my bachelors because I hated coding and I didn't want anything to do with it.

Ya well, look at me now.

You know what I'm doing at work right now and enjoying it? That's right coding.

You know what a lot of my creative ideas are about? Things that excite me? That's right, fucking software applications and what does that require me to have as a skill? That's right coding bitches.

All this to say that I think it's about time I surrender myself a bit.

I spent so many hours, days, weeks, months thinking about what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go and all that thinking only led me to despair and depression.

But no more.

I will take active measures to pursue the things that I am curious about and to live a more creative life.

And no, I might not know if things will succeed or where all these creative endeavours will lead me.

But it doesn't matter. I didn't know shit about where my life was going at 18 years old neither when I picked the software engineering program.

And you know why it doesn't matter?

Because I have faith now motherfuckers.

I have faith that I might not necessarily have a plan for myself, but that the Man up there does.

And THAT is really all that matters.


Side note:

For me, it's Faith in God, but I do believe that you can have faith without believing in God. It just so happens that, for me, Faith came after I started believing in God. You can probably have faith in life, the universe, the cosmos or just faith in general !

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