Will I finally break out of my cycle? (#075)

Day events:

  • First appointment ever with an osteopath (it was super chill, turns out my neck is totally fine and I THINK he was even able to improve my hip / ankle problem !! crazy. I'll monitor to see if the results are long-term or not).
  • I met our new teammate, a vietnamese guy from Saskatoon, he seems pretty chill so far.
  • I don't know what's happening with my throat, but today, it really bothered me. That in addition to the tiredness made this not the greatest day (more on that later).
  • Took a nap (it felt sooo good).
  • Upper body gym session.
  • Badmintonnnn (I played well today too ! Two times in a row that I played well haha congrats to me).
  • Hopefully will sleep before 12 today and catch a little bit on my sleep.

The grateful section:

  1. Grateful for being open-minded enough to go see an osteopath. For some reason, they might be in totally different categories, but I've always associated osteopaths with chiropractors for some reason and I've always been a bit skeptic about them. But something in me, when my massage therapist recommended me to go see one, I was like "fuck it". And I'm glad I did.
  2. Grateful for the sanctuary that is the GYM. I was having a not so great day today and going to the gym really improved my mental and physical state.
  3. Grateful for the bad gang that makes every Wednesday and Friday and I guess my whole badminton journey that much more fun !

Thought of the day:

I've wanted to write this piece ever since I had my discussion with my ex, but I never got the proper time to sit down and properly write about this.

I hope inspiration will take over me and I'll be able to write an accurate depiction of my worry.

As my ex and I were finishing up our discussion, we started talking about how life was going for both of us.

When it came time for me to elaborate on my situation, I told her that this whole summer has been excellent for myself and that I was very hopeful that something happened during this summer period that'll continue throughout the rest of my life.

After I was done, she simply reminded me of a very true fact:

"but Nijahusa, your summers have ALWAYS been great, what used to always worry me were your winters because your highs are highs, but your lows are also very low and it always, always happens around winter time."

I quickly brushed off her comment with my usual optimistic self telling both of us that something had really changed this year, that it'll be different.

However, once we were done with our conversation, I couldn't stop thinking about her comment.

I still somewhat can't stop thinking about it.

I know that on some fundamental level, she's right about this.

This has been my pattern for the past 5-6 years.

Similar to a rollercoaster going up and down and up and down where the ups always coincide with the transition from winter to sprint and the peak is during summer and the lows always coincide with the transition from summer to fall and the lowest point is during winter.

I really want to believe that I've truly changed.

That even though winter might be rougher because of the temperature, the weather, less sun exposure, etc.

That I've grown enough personally, spiritually and religiously to get myself through the winter without falling too deep into a depression or not be depressed at all.

I want to have Faith that everything will be alright.

Days like today though, remind me that no matter how much I tell myself to have faith and that everything will be alright and fall into place, the truth is that if I don't feel it in my bones, within me, it inevitably starts leading my mind to worry.

Yesterday, in terms of energy, was absolutely a-mazing. Everything just seemed to flow and I truly sensed down to every cell in my body that life was good and that even though I didn't know what will happen in the future, it'll be great.

Today though, I don't know if it's because I had lack of sleep or I was feeling a bit sick or whatever, but doubt kept creeping in my mind and I could not shake it off.

Mainly, it came from the fact that even though I have Faith that God will take care of me and has a plan for me, what if I want something and that something is not part of God's plan for me?

I truly believe that disappointment can only occur with expectations and there is no greater expectations than wanting something. Not because when I want something, I necessarily expect to have it, but because when I really want something, I'll do my darn bestest to try and get it.

And I guess the feeling you have "when you try your best, but you don't succeed" (shoutout to Coldplay for these legendary lyrics) sucks. HARD.

At the end of the day, I know that what I want is not necessarily what I need, but it's nice when both are the same.

Anyway, this post took a little tangent there.

What I wanted to say is that I feel better equipped than I have ever had in the past because of my Faith, God, my friends and even myself to break the cycle that has been plaguing me for the past 5-6 years, but I still have my doubts.

I feel like this is God's way of challenging me because I can feel it deep inside of me that if I'm able to break this cycle, it means that I have genuinely changed "for the better" and that this is in actual fact the start of Act II of my life.

Only time will tell though.

In the meantime, I will try to strengthen my faith as much as possible and, I don't know, just prepare mentally, spiritually and religiously for this challenge.

Good night.

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